Last one....lmao!

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they... more

Last one....lmao!

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

LMFAO!!!....

Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!"

and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"

"well, first you get your wife... more

LMFAO!!!....

Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!"

and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"

"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

Poor Grandpa =( lol!

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand... more

Poor Grandpa =( lol!

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

A man was driving.He passed a trafic camera and saw it flash.Fearing being caught speeding, he turned around and going at snails speed, he passed it.Again it flashed.He thought it must have a fault... more

A man was driving.He passed a trafic camera and saw it flash.Fearing being caught speeding, he turned around and going at snails speed, he passed it.Again it flashed.He thought it must have a fault and went home.Next day he received 2 traffic fines for not wearing a seatbelt.

someone tell me a joke! I need a good laugh after the morning I just had.

I get in trouble when filling out job applications. Every time I see the check off place that says SEX_____ I sign yes please, in the space.

Have you been staring at me? She replies," yes I have. I'm sorry, it's just that you remind me of my 3rd husband." then he asks," how many husbands have you had?", she replies," I've had two!"

Man's in a diner and catches an attractive woman staring at him. This goes on for awhile, so he goes over to her table and asks if he can sit down with her. She nods yes, he sits and asks her," Do we... more

Man's in a diner and catches an attractive woman staring at him. This goes on for awhile, so he goes over to her table and asks if he can sit down with her. She nods yes, he sits and asks her," Do we know each other? She replies, No. He asks her," have you been stating at me th

Yes! That would be my life!

Wife by text to husband . . ."Windows at home frozen, what should i do? Husband, "spray with De-icer or pour on some water" Wife a few minutes later, "done that - now the computer won't work at... more

Wife by text to husband . . ."Windows at home frozen, what should i do? Husband, "spray with De-icer or pour on some water" Wife a few minutes later, "done that - now the computer won't work at all!"

I saw a druggie trespassing on my farm earlier today.When I shouted at him he got a fright and dropped something.I don't know what it was but he's been looking in that haystack for ages.

Two pigs were standing on the beach when one pig turned to the other and said, "Wow, its so hot out I'm bacon."

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

What do you call a piece of cheese that's not yours......Nacho Cheese!!!!! Haha

At a Sunday school class the teacher asked a child: Do you pray to God before dinner? The child said. "No ma'am, my mum's a good cook!"

My wife came in complaining that I never lift a finger around the house.So I did.The middle one.

Saw a news story where a guy dressed up as a robber and surprised his girlfeind and friends when they got home. They freaked and ran out of the apartment. It was too funny. And don't worry, she's... more

Saw a news story where a guy dressed up as a robber and surprised his girlfeind and friends when they got home. They freaked and ran out of the apartment. It was too funny. And don't worry, she's still with him and plotting her revenge prank.

Blonde asks a friend about her boyfriend's dandruff. She says to give him Head & Shoulders. Blonde says, "How do I give him shoulders?"

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

The problem with getting quotes off the internet is you can never tell if they are genuine.
- Abraham Lincoln

omg me & hubby just heard this song for the 1st time and almost died from laughing so hard. DO NOT LISTEN IF EASILY OFFENDED!!! www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsvIwnsdYMw

My daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend and one evening she called me

"Dad? Erm.." she said hesitantly, "John and I have been together for a while now, and erm.. We were wondering if... more

My daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend and one evening she called me

"Dad? Erm.." she said hesitantly, "John and I have been together for a while now, and erm.. We were wondering if you wouldn't mind coming round and well... Baby-proofing the flat?"

"Of course my princess!" I said happily.

So I went round there and cut off his cock.

My daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend and one evening she called me

"Dad? Erm.." she said hesitantly, "John and I have been together for a while now, and erm.. We were wondering if... more

My daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend and one evening she called me

"Dad? Erm.." she said hesitantly, "John and I have been together for a while now, and erm.. We were wondering if you wouldn't mind coming round and well... Baby-proofing the flat?"

"Of course my princess!" I said happily.

So I went round there and cut off his cock.

My daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend and one evening she called me

"Dad? Erm.." she said hesitantly, "John and I have been together for a while now, and erm.. We were wondering if... more

My daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend and one evening she called me

"Dad? Erm.." she said hesitantly, "John and I have been together for a while now, and erm.. We were wondering if you wouldn't mind coming round and well... Baby-proofing the flat?"

"Of course my princess!" I said happily.

So I went round there and cut off his cock.

what happenned to the dwarf who walked through the blonde womans legs? ................... he got a clit round the ear haha

The greatest prank I ever pulled was with a friend in highschool, we'll call him "D". We had a horny little friend that wanted to try Viagra, we'll call him "C". "D" got a blue pill and I filed it... more

The greatest prank I ever pulled was with a friend in highschool, we'll call him "D". We had a horny little friend that wanted to try Viagra, we'll call him "C". "D" got a blue pill and I filed it down to look like a Viagra pill and we gave it to "C". He had to run to the restroom and stayed there for an entire class period after taking it. We didn't give him Viagra, we gave him a super laxitive.

From now on, Hellen Waite will be handling customer service for me. If you have any complaints, problems, or concerns.....please go to Hellen Waite!

Doctor, doctor I feel like a dog! How long has this been going on? Since I was a puppy.

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

Q: What do you have in a room full of tweakers?
A: A complete set of teeth!