This website amuses me far too much.

(443):No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..

(908):I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

(785):if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.

(607):Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
(315):I get naked cuz your not there

(423):I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
(1-423):Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home

(847):I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.

(601):He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

(416):I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

(402):I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.

(774):Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an... more

(774):Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap

(843):the evidence from last night is not good...
(904):what evidence?
(843):my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...

(614):The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

(206):But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

Ha!! (304): Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.

Aw cute when you wake up and have an sweet unexpected text

(260):dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
(1-260):what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

(301):i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

(954):you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN... more

(954):you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

(416):you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'... more

(416):you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

(201):I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908):I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201):Tie

(973):I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
(1-973):Guess she heard her killer coming

(563):Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in... more

(563):Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

(401):This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

(519):my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off

(561):I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.

(778):We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

(702):Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
(1-702):I regret nothing

(541):they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

(678):You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'